What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 02:34
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I write beautiful poetry .
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We were not on the streets..
One cannot live in the past .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I said to her
He knew the spot.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My life is so biszare .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I have no regrets .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
But it wasn’t much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Comes on , in middle age.
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It was going to be , some day.
Ive learnt so much.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She found it foreign!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He resisted the act ,that day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I think the readers, may guess!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
Why did i forgive my father ?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was in good health!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Who then, do I blame.?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I couldn’t, believe it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is soul school!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I never cut or harmed myself..
So, i spoilt her more .
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My family never makes their pension either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She loved him until the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im still living with it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So whats the point in blame.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I waited trembling.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .